She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Haters B Hatin'

Dear White People Who Try To Act Ghetto,

Please stop bitching about not having a job and about people not taking you seriously when you write on facebook something similar to this:

“Y U muthafukas be hatin on me?  U don’t even no me an u run yo muthafukin mouth bout me an my fam,  Bitches done even know da way I am so fuck yall and don’t mess wit me.”

Wow!  It’s amazing that you’re not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company by now!  And you wonder why they won’t  let you work the front counter at McDonald’s.  You’re relegated to burger flipper or fry girl/guy because even Mickie D’s doesn’t trust you to deal directly with the public.

But I’m compassionate, because I know it was difficult to grow up in a nice brick home with your own room, nice clothes, family who loved you, and a car when you turned 16.  It’s no wonder, with this most difficult life you’ve had, that you turned to the ghetto mentality.  [Rolling eyes.]

Despite my sarcasm, I will try to help you by outlining some things to avoid saying on facebook, Twitter, or in your daily life.

1.  Baby daddy/baby mama - White people!  Please stop saying this!  In fact, everyone stop saying this.  Basically, you’re just telling people, “I’ll knock up/get knocked up by anyone and I won’t even remember their name.”
2.  You know what I’m sayin’? - No, we don’t know what you’re saying, because you’re stupid and we’re not.
3.  You don’t know me! - Unless you’ve taken a time machine and gone back to appear on The Jerry Springer Show circa 1991, this phrase should never again be uttered.
4.  Haters be hatin’. -  No.  Intelligent people be hatin’.
5.  Typing “da” or “tha.” - The word is “the.”  It’s three fucking letters!  The average 4-year-old can spell it, and I know you can too.  Stop trying so hard to make yourself look ignorant.
6.  Yeahhhhh, boyeeeee. - The only way white people should be allowed to use this phrase is if they are Vanilla Ice or one of the original members of the Beastie Boys.  Otherwise, people want to slap the shit out of you when you say this.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  The occasional ghetto slang is okay if you’re trying to be funny, but if you truly think that talking like that makes you a badass, then you are dumber than a box of hammers.

If you seriously think talking like this makes you a “gangsta,” white people are rolling their eyes at you, black people are laughing behind your back, Hispanic people are just relieved you’re not trying to imitate them, and Asian people are glad that there is one more person’s ass they will kick on the SAT.

So, follow my guidelines and one day you could become assistant manager at McDonald’s, or maybe even at Kohl’s.  If what I’ve written here pisses you off….well, I’ve just got one thing to say:  Haters be hatin!




  1. ... Is it bad that I had to read the ghetto facebook post quote three times before my brain would stop trying to translate it into the other two languages I speak?

  2. @Dazee - Thanks! You know what I'm sayin'?
    @Goddess - Fo shizzle!
    @Ashes - So you don't know what I'm sayin'?

  3. yo be hatin opto mum. you aladdin incest fantasy be wack
    ya huuurd

  4. I stumbled over here in a drunken state of mind, and I'm laughing so freaking hard.. I 'm pretty sure I just peed myself. I had no idea you knew my niece! That is so damn cool.. if you ever figure out what she is talking about.. let me know.. not sure "who da baby Daddy be" in her case, but

    damn.. did I tell you how freaking funny you are.. I have a new hero..